The A-List: Dude, You Hit Like a Model

"What struggling model wants to be another struggling model?"

Oh Christ, you guys.

Normally we try and play along with the pantomime, but last night was so staged we felt like we were watching a puppet show. Let's run it down.

Mike and Reichen make a trip to Ryan's empty salon. "I've never been here before," admits Mike before an assistant to the producer starts frantically shushing him." "NOON!," Mike exclaims. "I've never been here BEFORE NOON! Haha! My good friend Ryan and his little salon. Yes." Inside, everyone gathers in a prayer circle around Reichen as gets his haircut and cries for them. "Everything is Rodiney's fault," he says through his saline drops tears. Everyone agrees that Rodiney is totally at fault. "If you were flirting and texting and kissing other guys, that is TOTALLY Rodiney's fault for not preventing you from doing that!" says Mike, reading directly off some stapled-together pages. "HE'S THIRTY YEARS OLD HE SHOULD HAVE A FUCKING JOB!!!!!!" shrieks TJ, jumping ahead several pages. Everyone in the room is shocked and appalled that Rodiney treated Reichen like a sugar daddy. Ryan quietly clips away, saying nothing.

Cut to... MIAMI! Disco balls! Cocktails! Latin music! If they'd cut to Paris, you can rest assured everyone would be standing around the Eiffel Tower in berets while an accordion played. Rodiney is out with all his friends, showing off his abs and drinking, like everyone in Miami. "I not happy," he says when he gets the director's cue. He pouts. "Who cares? You are in MIAMI!" all his friends say, making this scene utterly pointless.

Austin picks up his props from the 2nd assistant director and walks in on Reichen, half naked in bed. Reichen strokes his abs while Austin (LAMELAMELAMEOHMIGODSOFUCKINGLAME) pours Champagne and plops a strawberry in it, like something out of a romance movie on the Hallmark Channel or a cable ad for a "Key Party Hits of the Seventies" compilation CD. Austin gets in bed and the conversation turns to another game of "What if we were a couple?" The tension is electrifyingnon-existent. "Guys should accept that I like to look at other guys and text them and maybe kiss them. I can't help it if they're insecure," says Reichen, fondling his abs. Austin orgasms in his pants and tries to cover it with a coughing fit.

In Miami, Rodiney does another photo shoot in a speedo. "Maybe I can stay," he offers. He meets with his agent. "Not a chance in hell," he tells him.

Brunch with the girls: Derek, Ryan, TJ and Reichen. "I've cried like six times," says Reichen upon sitting down. He apparently keeps a running count. Once again everyone agrees that it's Rodiney's fault Reichen keeps sticking his tongue in other guys' mouths. Reichen decides everyone should go to Maine for a week and the girls all agree until he mentions Austin. "I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!!!" shrieks Derek to the sky. "I agree," says TJ. "Come on guys, he's got a nice ass," says Reichen,"That's gotta count for something." TJ agrees to accept Austin if he's allowed to fuck him. Everyone at the table politely ignores him. Later, Derek and TJ text Austin, agreeing to meet with him and be the better people. They both agree that they're being very mature. "He's fat," says TJ. Derek agrees.

Reichen is shirtless again. And crying again. "It's just sad," he says, reminding us of the emotion normally attached with tears. Rodiney arrives and they hug awkwardly. They struggle to remember their lines. "It is partly your fault," says Reichen, skipping several pages of dialogue and reminding us once again why he got fired from a shitty off-Broadway tourist trap of a play. Rodiney looks confused. "It's really hard for me to deal with these cheating accusations because I'm really hurt," says Reichen. "I'm supposed to apologize?" asks Rodiney, throwing his pages to the floor. An assistant director can be heard whispering just off screen. "NO!" screams Rodiney to someone off-camera. "Fuck this! Is he cra--" Rodiney and Reichen are hugging again. Rodiney is very confused. "I just want to trust you," he says, clearly reading off a cue card. Reichen pinches his nose to see if it'll get more tears out.

TJ, Derek and Austin meet to talk about how they hate each other.. "I'm not gonna stop drinking," blurts out Austin before he's even sat down. "Alcohol's just ... I love it!" He misses his chair and lands on the floor. Derek, TJ and Austin all agree that they can't waste any more time and energy hating each other because they all have to hate Rodiney now. It's like the Yalta Summit, if Churchill wore a vest over a tank top and Stalin had a tendency to show his asscrack every time he stood up.

With their freshly scripted friendship, the threesome immediately starts dishing on Reichen. Proving their commitment to high social standards, the girls are impressed that Austin showed up with champagne and strawberries in a clumsy attempt to seduce Reichen, something that, mere hours before, they would have found revolting. But everything changes for you once the popular girls let you sit at their table, as we all know.

They go to meet Reichen on his closing night and accompany him to a "pity Reichen" party put together by his cast mates. Rodiney shows up. The girls are all livid. "What's he doing here"" asks Derek with disgust. People are NEVER supposed to see or speak to each other again after a breakup, according to the terminally single Derek. "He's really ruining Reichen's night. And mine," says Austin, adjusting his erection. "Are you guys still together?" asks TJ, getting right to the point. Rodiney refuses to read any of his lines and stares off into the distance gloomily. Austin fills the silence with his braying drunkenness.

The next morning, TJ is filling in Ryan on the previous night's events, since Ryan had to go to the Junior League fundraiser. BY TOTAL COINCIDENCE, Reichen calls at that moment and invites them to dinner because he has "something to tell them." Miss Ryan has had enough of this foolishness, throws a dishtowel over one shoulder, puts a hand on one hip and asks, "Can't you just tell us now, you little narcissist?" Reichen pretends not to hear him.

That night, the whole gang meets in a private room that looks like the headquarters of an Eastern European terrorist cell. TJ, Derek and Austin all tickle each other and hug. Ryan is starting to lose her patience with these children. Rodiney and Reichen skip into the room holding hands. They twirl around a few times and kiss. "Guess what?" Reichen asks the girls. Rodiney looks uncomfortable. Austin immediately turns purple and his shirt rides up exposing his asscrack, which lets you know he's really mad. Ryan takes a moment from cutting up the food on Austin's plate to move the glasses away from the edge of the table. Derek and TJ clap and laugh as Austin gets up and pees all over the Reichen and Rodiney's faces. "You are just jealous of my abs, fat girl!" says Rodiney, throwing a drink at him. And with that the little bitchslaps fly. All the other queens shriek and run out of the room, waving their hands in the air, their wrist bones suddenly nonexistent. Rodiney cries, Austin gloats to the suddenly worshipful Derek and TJ, and Reichen smiles. All is right with the world. Everyone is looking at him and fighting over him. He adjust his erection in his pants. "Seriously, girl. A text message would have been fine." says Ryan.

We're liking that puffy little hairburner more and more each week.

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Labels: A-List: New York, A-List: New York Season 1