Helpful tip: A-List hairstylists don't still sport the Chelsea Tiara, Tintin.Darlings, if you're gay yourself or you have a best gay friend, you've probably asked yourself "Why can't I/my best gay friend ever seem to find the right guy?" Well, LOGO TV, in a gripping, raw, cinéma vérité kinda way, revealed to America the answer: Because the gay dating pool is filled with floating turds. Let's meet them, shall we?
Reichen! He dated Lance Bass! But please, don't define him as the guy who dated Lance Bass, he pleads
, 30 seconds after he introduced himself as the guy who dated Lance Bass. Reichen is a "leading authority" on Don't Ask, Don't Tell and also on how to grow a perfectly manicured 3-day stubble. He is very nervous about his upcoming role in the play "My Big Gay Italian Wedding." Apparently he's nervous because he is completely devoid of any talent or charisma whatsoever. But he has abs and that'll take him far in the cut throat world of Off-Broadway.Mike Ruiz! Mike tells us that he's one of the most sought-after celebrity photographers in the world and demonstrates that by listing his subjects, all of whom are American. He shoots Kelly Rowland with some stuffed animals stapled to her shoulders. Mike tells her, "Your girls look fierce!" and we don't know if he means her tits or her lions. Lions are kind of fierce. Then again, so are Kelly Rowland's tits. Mike tells us he is "passionate about a lot of gay charities" (which could mean just about anything) and that he has a "healthier relationship to my appearance," which means he jerks off to himself in a full length mirror. "Isn't everyone a little vain?" he asks, which is like an alcoholic asking "Doesn't everyone like a little nip now and then?"
Ryan! Ryan tells us, "I own one of the top downtown salons," as he sits in a totally empty salon. To impress us, he lists his clients: Rachel Ray and Pamela Anderson. Ryan? Word of advice. If the FIRST names that come to mind when you want to impress someone with your A-list clientele are Rachel Ray and Pamela Anderson? Best to keep your mouth shut. In a fetching little sheer blouse and camisole, Ryan introduces us to his boyfriend, Desmond.
"Desmond is my Mr. Big," he tells us, which means both that he has a large penis and that he pays the majority of the bills. We meet Ryan's assistant T.J, who, like so many young gay urban men, has the I.Q. of a gnat and the personality of a military dictator's wife. Ryan feels that he hasn't quite gotten across just what kind of person he is, so he hauls out some meaningless cliches. "I call a spade a spade." "It is what it is with me."Austin! Austin tells us, "My biggest claim to fame was dating Marc Jacobs," and we immediately feel sorry for him because he's too young and vapid to realize just how pathetic a statement that is. He goes on to tell us that he's "hungry and thirsty for the life I led." As a starfucker. He goes to meet with his agent who throws up all over Cipriani in disgust at Austin's morbidly obese body. "But I carry confidence and that's so sexy," Austin wimpers, rolls of fat jiggling all over.
Derek! Derek introduces himself thusly: "My name is Derek. I live in Chelsea and I have a fabulous life." We're pretty sure this is the affirmation he repeats in front of the mirror every morning. "I never have to wait behind the velvet rope," he says breathlessly, eager to prove how fabulous his life is. He continues, urgently informing is that he's written up on "all the blogs," and we immediately do a search on blogger for any blogs for people who suffer from delusions of grandeur. "If you're reading about me on Monday morning, it was a fierce weekend," he adds, which means he's never, ever had a fierce weekend.
There they are, boys! Every bad date and lousy lay you ever had, all on one show. Let's take a peek into their fascinating and fulfilling lives.
Reichen introduces us to Rodiney, who's just like Reichen, if Reichen was Brazilian and constantly had a half dozen marbles in his mouth. We think Rodiney doesn't really spell his name that way. It's just that when he's asked to spell it, no one can understand him. If he really does spell it that way, someone needs to slap him and inform that just like "team," there is no "i" in "Rodney."
Austin and his trainer put on the goofiest fucking footwear anyone ever wore and leap around in public, making sure that the maximum amount of people are looking at them.
Austin's trainer asks him to remove his shirt and promptly vomits all over Central Park, repulsed by the sight of his non-visible abs. "He's like, fat." he informs us helpfully. Austin tells us, "I've got too much pride to wait tables or park a car," because reality television is the height of dignity.Meanwhile Roidney and Mike meet up. "I'm feel alone," he tells Mike. Reichen doesn't understand him because "He's not kind of this modeling world." Mike pretends to understand. Roidney shows him his portfolio. "You can sees like it's very Miami," he points out, adding, "You my favorite photographer here," as if there were 4 or 5 other photographers sitting at the table with them. Mike feels that Roidney's portfolio is lacking and no one has "tapped into his essence." We're thinking his essence has been tapped more than a few times, Mike. "I can't believe Mike have been so sweet to me." offers Roidney. Later, at the SATC party, Roidney wants to make Mike proud. He doesn't.
Derek and Austin meet Ryan and T.J for drinks, which may be the gayest thing we ever wrote. Austin brags about his house in England. "Where?" asks T.J., not having heard of this obscure, mystical land. Austin also reveals that he and Reichen hooked up. "We both had celebrity exes and were kind of drawn to each other." Oh. THAT old story. Derek and Ryan think Austin is a starfucker, which is kind of like saying Austin is a carbon-based life form.
Later, Reichen reveals to Roidney that he "just found out" that his "friend" Austin will be at opening night, as if he had no idea who else was going to be starring in this reality show he signed up to be on. "I think we kissed a couple times," which is gay for "We spent an Ecstacy and popper-filled night on rubber sheets offending every religion on the face of the earth."
Opening night for Reichen! The girls all meet up for the show and Austin immediately zeroes in on his competition, Roidney. After sniffing him and gently cupping his balls, Austin sums him up as a "homeless Brazilian couch surfer." Derek and Ryan think Austin is an uncouth bitch, which is really saying something. At the after-party, Austin gazes at Reichen and mentally picks out china. Then he leers at Roidney and mentally picks out a pot to boil a rabbit in.
And finally, Reichen and Roidney take off to the Hamptons after the "drama" of opening night. Reichen is upset that the critics keep mentioning his body. It's because it's the only talent you had on display, dear. Roidney says helpfully, "You get so mad. Let's go to hot tub." He's like a cute, steroidal Tarzan. Having let us all know that he's more than just a body,
Reichen strips on camera to have mock foreplay with Roidney. Austin calls at just that moment and the producers had nothing to do with the timing. Reichen makes a date with him right in front of Roidney and his rapidly wilting erection. Roidney stomps off, pretending that this all wasn't scripted out and staged.Will Austin get his - or rather, Roidney's - man? Is Reichen going to fall victim to the allure of fucking another starfucker like himself? Will Austin ever do something about that hideously obese body of his? Will Ryan get a client he can be proud of? Or at least a blouse? Will T.J. show any signs of intelligence whatsoever? Will Derek show any signs of a personality whatsoever? Will Mike throw up his hands and ask "What the fuck am I doing on a show with all these loser kids?" Stay tuned, bitches. We are just getting started and we will not declare ourselves done until one of them is reading this blog, tears rolling down their face and smearing their spray-on tans. That is our promise to you.
Watch it:
You know you want to.
[Photo and Video Credit: logotv.com]
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Labels: A-List: New York, A-List: New York Season 1, Vapid and Embarassing Gays
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