The lights are on, but you're not home.Austin is in a limo heading to JFK, desperately pretending that limos are a daily thing with him, even though he's bouncing around like a meth head on prom night. He tells us he has a pretty big secret and shows us his cell phone to let us in on it: He takes cheesy cell phone pics with s
ome guy Jake in England. Austin says, "The chemistry between us really can't be created in a laboratory," a line that was obviously scripted for him because no one talks that way. Then he looks directly in the camera shooting the reality television show that paid for this limo ride and says that he didn't tell anyone about his boyfriend because he has a bad rep in New York and wants to keep his private life private. Honestly, do these idiots hear themselves? Oh, who are we kidding? A pathological avoidance of self-examination is practically required to be on a reality show.Ryan, according to Austin, is "very down to earth," with his botox injections and personal designer, bitchy assistant and sugar daddy. We shudder to think what Austin considers pretentious or grandiose.
As for Ryan, the puffy little queen turns his egg-smooth face to the camera and informs us that "I see a lot of Austin in myself." Of course, dear. And when you say "a lot of Austin" in yourself, you mean a specific 5 or 6 inches, yes? Ryan wants to mentor Austin and show him how to be self-important without actually having to do anything of importance. Derek is livid over this and informs us that he regrets introducing a cast member of the reality show they're all starring in to another cast member of the reality show they're all starring in.
QUEENS: YOU'RE ON A REALITY SHOW. THE JIG IS UP.
Derek, for some odd reason, can't find a steady boyfriend even though he's vicious, status-obsessed and thinks too highly of himself. It's a mystery for the ages, all right. He informs us, "I haven't been in love in over a year," which, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, sorry. That's not a sentence. This show gives us blog Tourrette's. Blogette's.
Anyway, Austin thinks Derek is a gold digger and a fame whore, and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
We've got to stop doing that.
Anyway, Derek is meeting a "millionaire matchmaker." Derek wants someone with a lot of money who doesn't want him to work. "Who doesn't?" It is HILARIOUS how highly these little whores think of themselves. "I see what Ryan has with Desmond and I want that too," Derek says. Ryan watches the episode alone in his empty hair-burning emporium and sobs bitter tears.
Reichen and Roidney expose their abs and talk about their relationship. Roidney's all, "Why you such a big hoor?" And Reichen's all, "I don't want the problems in my relationship aired to the public." They purse their lips and flex their abs for the camera crew.
Ryan and Austin meet up for lunch. Austin drops the bomb that he's been in a "great relationship" with someone. Ryan is shocked, but because of extreme botox abuse can only manage an open-mouthed expression that makes him look a little dim. Dimmer.
Austin heads to Fire Island for the weekend with Jake and tries on some bathing suits that are totally wrong for him. He and Jake stuff their junk into every bathing suit in the store and then leave. We've been in that store before and we are never trying anything on in there again. Any store that can give you crabs is a store to avoid, kittens. Just a lit
tle tip from us to you. Later, Jake and Austin sit in a hot tub, because according to this show, it's something gays do all the time. We're sitting in a hot tub right now typing this, in fact. Austin informs us that, "Jake has come to learn that I like to be naked a lot. It's not a sexual thing." No, dear. It's a self esteem thing. Cheers to you, darling. Hope you figure that out before you're 30.Ryan and his inexplicably vicious sidekick T.J. head on over to Reichen and Rodney's apartment. Because Ryan is such a grande dame of society and knows all about how to comport oneself in public, he immediately trashes the decor and walks several items to the garbage chute before Reichen can react. Which isn't exactly a hard thing to do since apparently a synapse fires in Reichen's brain every seven minutes or so, whether it needs to or not. "Just because you're gay doesn't mean you have taste," says Ryan, helpfully illustrating that point by existing. T.J. nods her agreement and does the "Price is Right" girl hand wave to indicate the two of them.
Roidney goes to a modeling agency where they immediately strip him down, poke him with sticks, and taunt him before kicking him out on the street, naked. He crawls into an alleyway and starts selling matches, scanning the sky for snowflakes.
Austin and Reichen meet up in a totally empty gym. What with all the empty bars and
empty vacation houses and empty gyms these bitches inhabit, apparently the A-List means you spend a lot of time in empty rooms. Austin starts off the conversation magnanimously. "I'm sorry about talking about your dick." In our experience, any conversation that starts off with that sentence is not going to be a fun conversation to have. After a few minutes of silence, Reichen's brain kicks back on and he starts talking about how Roidney is pissed at Reichen for flirting with other guys. Austin finally comes out and tells him he has a boyfriend. After 6.5 minutes of silence, Reichen blinks and says "That's so weird. Gotta go."Derek is on his "millionaire matchmaker date." It turns out to be someone he's already been on a date with; Francky. What's with all these foreign guys with extra letters in their names? We're going to start calling ourselves Tohm and Lourenzzo. Derek immediately tells him he wants lots of babies, which is EXACTLY what you're supposed to do on a date with someone you barely know. Men, especially gay men, find that an irresistible turn-on. Derek thinks going for Francky would be "settling." We don't know what Frcanckcy thinks because he was halfway down the block laughing his ass off.
Rodiney meets up with Mike and his new hairstyle, which he explains by saying he just got out of bed. Apparently his pre-bed ritual includes putting about 30 pounds of product in his hair. Rodiney thinks the agent was mean and tried to blame it on Mike's pictures. Mike asks about his relationship with Reichen. BECAUSE THESE VAPID WHORES HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. Sorry. Blogette's again.
Ryan and T.J. meet Austin and Jake for dinner. T.J. tells Jake his accent is "delicious" and peppers them both with non-stop questions. Austin says he was with Jake for two years, but Ryan remembers Austin telling him he was playing "leapfrog *wink*" with Reichen nine months ago. What's with the wink, girl? Despite your pretensions, you're not starring in a black and white movie, you know.
T.J. and Ryan bring up what happened at the party without checking to see if Jake knows about it or if Austin wants to talk about. BECAUSE THESE PANTYWAISTS HAVE NOT A LICK OF CLASS.Sorry.
Austin tells them that he and Jake are engaged. Ryan gives him his best Gay Glare. Austin helpfully explains his constant lying by saying he's afraid if he's married, it would hurt his career as a model. "I've never been single in New York and it's never hurt me," Ryan tells him. BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB, YOU BIG GIRL'S BLOUSE. Oh, to hell with it. These outbursts are entirely understandable if you've watched the show.
Derek VICIOUS NOBODY goes to Ryan's very successful salon, which is once again empty. Derek tells T.J. about his date. T.J. USELESS GAY MONKEY BITCH tells him that Austin is engaged. "He is a monster!" huffs Derek, fanning himself. With a little lace fan.
They all head to Carnival where they see big penises on display and squeal like little girls. Austin introduces Jake to Reichen. Reichen can't wrap his bovine mind around the idea of monogamy. Derek is annoyed that the co-star of his reality program is also attending this event. Roidney is worried about Reichen hitting on other guys. T.J. offers to make out with him in order to make Reichen jealo - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Derek is drunk and randomly hits on strangers. Because he's such a charmer, the very first thing he asks them is "How old are you?" It sure is a mystery why Derek can't find love, girls.
Reichen and Roidney expose their abs again to have another relationship talk. Roidney is not feeling really happy. Reichen "seriously can't even understand," which we assume is
something he says a lot in his life. "I just want to feel protected and safe," says Reichen, narcissistically . "I'm so scared of this getting out to everyone" he says, IN FRONT OF THE PRODUCTION CREW OF HIS REALITY SHOW. They flex their abs a little more and Reichen cries to the heavens. "I don't feel happy and safe. Why is this happening? Why is this happening now?"Let us help you out there, Reichen. This is happening "now" because this is the 3rd episode of your reality television show and, because you have all the personality and intelligence of your average lump of hardened concrete, the producers gave you a "boyfriend" and told you two that your "story" was going to be about your "relationship problems." Did no one explain this to you, dear? Blink once if you understand.
Reichen? Can you hear me?
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